Finally, Common Sense is Making a Comeback!
SAN FRANCISCO — Neuralink, Elon Musk’s cutting-edge neurotechnology company, proudly announced its latest feature today: an algorithm that predicts and notifies users moments before they’re about to make dubious life decisions, such as impulse buying, texting an ex at 2 a.m., or attempting the “Salt Bae” meat-slicing technique at home.
“Neuralink has always strived to improve human life and optimize our abilities,” began Musk, wearing a sequined robe and holding a crystal ball. “Now, not only can you control your phone or computer with your brain, but you’ll also get a helpful notification saying, ‘Hey, maybe think this one through?'”
Beta testers have reported several unexpected but welcome interventions. Sarah J., a tester from Ohio, was particularly grateful. “I was about to get a tattoo of the words ‘Live, Laugh, Leverage’ inside a stock market graph on my lower back. Then my Neuralink chimed in and was like, ‘Really, Sarah? Really?’ Saved me some serious future regret.”
Another tester, Mike H. from Texas, shared, “I was about to order the entire menu at Taco Bell after a night out, but my Neuralink played the sound of a disappointed gym coach, which snapped me back to reality. I only ordered half the menu.”
While most users appreciated the feature, some found it a bit overzealous. “I was just trying to put pineapple on my pizza, and my Neuralink started vibrating furiously,” complained Danny R. from New York.
To ensure the device’s predictions are precise, Neuralink allegedly partnered with fortune tellers, psychics, and that one friend everyone has who claims to be “really intuitive.” Critics argue this might not be the most scientific approach, but Musk was quick to defend the decision.
“Incorporating ancient arts into modern technology is the next big thing. Tarot cards and AI? Name a more iconic duo. I’ll wait,” he tweeted.
Despite its benefits, some ethicists worry about the long-term implications. Dr. Amara Khan, a technology ethicist, voiced concerns, “If we’re always told by a device when we’re about to mess up, will we ever truly learn from our mistakes? Also, what if it starts judging my fashion choices?”
In response to the potential overload of constant judgment, Neuralink is reportedly working on an “easy mode” that will only alert users of life-altering bad choices, such as thinking mullets should make a comeback.
At press time, Musk was seen attempting to balance on a hoverboard while sipping a glass of wine, only to be interrupted by his own Neuralink buzzing with the message: “Elon, maybe not the best idea?
